Well fuck.

Hi.

So I'm not grounded right now. But I might be soon. Whatever right? I've pretty much ignored everything I love to repent my sins, basically I've been trying to be perfect for my mother. Which is stupid. 

I'm going to be eighteen in two close years (seriously talk about counting down days.) and I need to learn the only person I need to please is myself. I had that down but then I got drawn back into this painful thought that I will ever have the fairy tale happy family. Mine is broken and it doesn't understand how to put love into the atmosphere. Mom isn't talking to me. She never does anymore. 

This is just a side effect of living. We are a cancer on the earth and the universe is radiology treatment attempting to rid the host of malicious cells. It hurts to know that things wont ever be okay between my mother and me. We are just a repeat of every poor constructed mother daughter relationship that's happened in my family history.

I miss my Dad. I wish he was here to guide me through the mine field, or at least crack a joke to ease the tension. I wonder if things would have been different had my dad not died. Would Mom be happy? Would I? 

I had a funny realization yesterday. When I was nine I didn't think I would live to twelve. And when I was twelve I was positive I wouldn't make it to eighteen. Here I am, two years away with the end in sight. I thought for sure I would have given into all the pain and suffering a long time ago. Hell I was institutionalized when I was thirteen and though "This is it, I'm done." And I stood and weathered the storm. 

I think that's a good place to end. Weathering the storm. 

Life sucks most of the time. So learn to love the rain.

Song of the day is Grand Theft Autumn/ Where Is Your Boy By Fall Out Boy

As always,

Stay classy.

CrAcking.

I think I've finally snapped.
I'm sad, and angry, and frustrated all at the same time. Nothing seems to be right. I'm restless, I didn't sleep until 7 AM last night. I'm ticked off at everything. Literally everything has been frustrating me as of the last few days, and there is nothing I can do about it. I want to fix everything. Just magically make all the sadness go away for a week or two. I know that can't happen without my friends.

My friends are the only reason I'm sane. I can promise that if they weren't here I wouldn't make this long haul. Maybe I would, who knows.

I miss writing every day. Even if I did just blabber about my day or me. It was good to see that people care, or are listing. I'm just a sixteen year old tragedy that happens every day. At least I have yet to cook meth or be shot. Or both, both would be bad. I don't even want to talk to my friends anymore. No, I don't want to reach out to them. It hurts admitting that I'm not strong enough to handle this one alone. I was when my Dad died. I was when Mom had another kid and got a new family. When she ditched our plan to be with an asshole. (Though she always did.) I was strong enough when she started drinking again.

But I can't do this alone. This soul crushing sadness that breaks me and cracks my perfect exterior. I just want a promise I can believe in. Someone I know is without a doubt on my side. But that's not how this works. I can't make a wish and have it come true. I have to fight hard, and dream.
I'm sorry there is no song of the day. I just don't know a song that, I lied.
Song of the day is Here Comes the Anxiety by The Wombats
Thanks for listing to me complain.
As always,
Stay classy.