Growing up.

Hey Internet,
So it's a funny fact of life that eventually we will all have to grow up. Either you turn thirteen and are about to enter the threshold of puberty (which let me tell you, will not be fun.) Or you're eighteen about to make a life for yourself.
But sometimes you're a special case of someone whose coming of age came too quick. Call us early bloomers, old souls, or wise ones we know what's going on and how to deal with it. Well we know what's going on, how to deal with it is fuzzy at best.
Let me entertain your thoughts for a moment. I am sixteen going on seventeen (baby it's time too think... SOM? anyone? no... okay.) and I have been faced with the possible option of moving out on my own, finishing high school, all the while being responsible for my own living quarters. Now I'm not saying I'm not going to get any help, just that I'm going to have to be more self relent in the coming months.
To break it down in simple language, my grandfather may lose the house I am currently living in. Which isn't as bad as it sounds because gramps can support himself and his wife (Nana I think I've bitched about her before.) But he can no longer support Me, Mom, Mom's Boyfriend, Boyfriend's Kids, Baby Sister, and Himself and Nana. That's eight people by the way.
But instead of leaving me alone with my mother, grandpa has a few other plans. Now it's important to note that as of the current moment, January 28th 2014, nothing has happened yet. We are just planning for the near future and keeping events that may take place in mind. Some of these plans include getting me set up with a part time job, an apartment, and a roommate.
I'm not going to lie about being terrified. Honestly I didn't think this was ever even possible to happen. I've seen the high school coming of age movies. I live with my parents until senior year, I get the guy, and eventually graduate. This is so far from what I imagined sixteen being. And I literally have no clue how to go about this. I calculated the numbers if I were to get a part time job. I wouldn't make enough money to cover the deposit on an apartment, much less rent. And don't get me started on utilities and luxuries.
Plus my school is forty times more intense then other schools. Projects, group meetings, and being an adult with a job (or two it looks like?) As well as my damaged emotional state and pension for dramatics. Life as a sixteen year old adult doesn't look good to me.
Even after all of that mind crushing reality. The fact that I could get out of this toxic environment early is one of the best wishes I have ever had. My grandpa has done a lot for me, and he will continue to do so. But getting away from my mom and her bullshit and her boyfriends. Nothing in the world has ever seemed so worth \putting myself through hell for.
So this is what I'm leaving on. Growing up and all it's horrible charms.
Song of the day is Grow up by Paramore
As always,
Stay classy.

Nerdy Girl, Illness, and WTF School Projects?

I'm still sick, and now I'm on my period and everything sucks royally.
Well not everything, but let me outline to you my day.

• Ugh PE
• Ugh House (Learning about Ebola is literally the least pleasant thing I have had to experience today.)
• Yay drama, ugh I feel like crap. (Also huge thank you to Jenelle for being a goddess and giving me five bucks cause she's amaz-balls.)
• LUNCH
• UGH MARY SHELLEY YOUR PREFACE SUCKS BALLS.

But it does little to no good to dwell on the negative so let's go on the positive.

• I feel human today
• I got candy
• Pie for lunch
• I'm actually looking forward to school work

Speaking of drama. We are doing this really awesome play for Hogan('s? s? s'?) and although I didn't get the part I wanted, I do love the part I got. I'm playing the Nerdy Girl. And her lines are pretty rad. I feel really connected to her. I don't know, She only has like two lines I believe. But she's really cool (she also has no name so I'm going to call her Serena like Sailor Moon.)
Honestly I'm pretty good today. The work load is light but there, I got to listen to something that, although it bored me to tears, is actually pretty good once I go through and re-read it. It was just the narrators voice that was putting me to sleep.
Honestly my day has been pretty dull. And uneventful, but nice.
Song of the day Resolution by Matt Corby
As always,
Stay Classy.

Of Sickness, Non-Updates, and Everything Else.

Hello fellow Internet people. With faces. or at least some sort of feature allowing you to view the multi-worded masterpiece being crafted before your very eyes.
*cough*
Okay so I haven't updated in forever and there is no excuse. I sorta just forgot for awhile and then when I thought about updating I didn't.
I'm majorly struggling with the idea that people can (and will, and have) act nice and like they are my friend and like I'm important to them. When in reality they hate me. This is a foreign concept to me. Back in grades 1-6th I was made fun of. grades 7-8 I was thought of as this brave outspoken.... I don't know savior. Spreading the message of goodwill to all men. ( I went to a christian school. sue me.) But now I'm introduced into this world of two faced people who I can never trust. Maybe it's just my image issues, but I started questioning what drama thought about me yesterday. "What if they really hate me. They say they miss/need/like me to my face but when I turn around I'm the 'annoying blonde girl who's too loud.'"
and it sucks.
I've also started thinking in the terms that I don't fit. Not that my weight is a problem or that my size is anything, but that I don't belong anywhere. Like I have my School Friends who I eat lunch with and talk with, a couple and a fellow single person and sometimes other people. And I don't fit with them. Sometimes I just don't feel like saying anything because it's dismissed. We all do it to each other.
And I'm not punk enough to be a punk rock rebel. I haven't been in enough shows or classes to be a drama expert. I'm not the smartest or the dumbest. I don't match with my new group. I don't fit. Even in my own family, I feel uncomfortable and like I shouldn't be there.
I don't fit.
I'm also really sick right now. Coughing, aches, runny nose, fever the whole shebang. It sucks because I missed my audition today because I didn't go to school.
Oh well, that just a part of my life right now.
Never feeling completely at ease, always checking over my shoulders.
Song of the day (and quite possibly the year) Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year By Fall Out Boy
As always,
Stay classy.

Well fuck.

Hi.

So I'm not grounded right now. But I might be soon. Whatever right? I've pretty much ignored everything I love to repent my sins, basically I've been trying to be perfect for my mother. Which is stupid. 

I'm going to be eighteen in two close years (seriously talk about counting down days.) and I need to learn the only person I need to please is myself. I had that down but then I got drawn back into this painful thought that I will ever have the fairy tale happy family. Mine is broken and it doesn't understand how to put love into the atmosphere. Mom isn't talking to me. She never does anymore. 

This is just a side effect of living. We are a cancer on the earth and the universe is radiology treatment attempting to rid the host of malicious cells. It hurts to know that things wont ever be okay between my mother and me. We are just a repeat of every poor constructed mother daughter relationship that's happened in my family history.

I miss my Dad. I wish he was here to guide me through the mine field, or at least crack a joke to ease the tension. I wonder if things would have been different had my dad not died. Would Mom be happy? Would I? 

I had a funny realization yesterday. When I was nine I didn't think I would live to twelve. And when I was twelve I was positive I wouldn't make it to eighteen. Here I am, two years away with the end in sight. I thought for sure I would have given into all the pain and suffering a long time ago. Hell I was institutionalized when I was thirteen and though "This is it, I'm done." And I stood and weathered the storm. 

I think that's a good place to end. Weathering the storm. 

Life sucks most of the time. So learn to love the rain.

Song of the day is Grand Theft Autumn/ Where Is Your Boy By Fall Out Boy

As always,

Stay classy.

CrAcking.

I think I've finally snapped.
I'm sad, and angry, and frustrated all at the same time. Nothing seems to be right. I'm restless, I didn't sleep until 7 AM last night. I'm ticked off at everything. Literally everything has been frustrating me as of the last few days, and there is nothing I can do about it. I want to fix everything. Just magically make all the sadness go away for a week or two. I know that can't happen without my friends.

My friends are the only reason I'm sane. I can promise that if they weren't here I wouldn't make this long haul. Maybe I would, who knows.

I miss writing every day. Even if I did just blabber about my day or me. It was good to see that people care, or are listing. I'm just a sixteen year old tragedy that happens every day. At least I have yet to cook meth or be shot. Or both, both would be bad. I don't even want to talk to my friends anymore. No, I don't want to reach out to them. It hurts admitting that I'm not strong enough to handle this one alone. I was when my Dad died. I was when Mom had another kid and got a new family. When she ditched our plan to be with an asshole. (Though she always did.) I was strong enough when she started drinking again.

But I can't do this alone. This soul crushing sadness that breaks me and cracks my perfect exterior. I just want a promise I can believe in. Someone I know is without a doubt on my side. But that's not how this works. I can't make a wish and have it come true. I have to fight hard, and dream.
I'm sorry there is no song of the day. I just don't know a song that, I lied.
Song of the day is Here Comes the Anxiety by The Wombats
Thanks for listing to me complain.
As always,
Stay classy.

Holiday.

Hello fellow Internet pilgrims,
So let me just start by saying, I am still grounded. I would personally like someone to count the days for me. The task seems tiring and depressing. But I've bee able to get around the brink of bad times.
Okay, so extra credit is kinda annoying. Even more so because I'm broke and can't afford supplies to do this stupid tempest of work. In good news, I have an excuses to get out of the house. I need to start working on papers. My science revision is the important one. Then my issue paper. I'm going to be so freaking exhausted by the end of this week of  "relaxation".

I hope you're doing better then I am, I know I complain a lot, but where else am I going to talk about my suck-y life. It hasn't all sucked, just most of the time. But good news is, if I get a 3.0 on my GPA (grade point average) then I get the Nokia Lumia 1020. Literally my dream phone. I'll even get a wireless plan!
And, in theory, it shouldn't be that difficult to fail math and still get a 3.0. I just have to do super well in all my other classes.

Also here's a tiny recap of last Friday with Brooke:

"Hey Brooke, wanna go to lunch today?" Said the text at almost seven in the morning. It was a mild day for California, and the last day before thanksgiving break. I figured it would be fun to spend some time with my best friend before my mom instigated her N.Korea policy. No phones, no Internet (haha), and no public opinion.
I waited through most of the day without a response. Even though we saw each other for most of the day. I was in Hogans class when I frantically texted her (frantic because my phone was dying) "We still on for lunch??"
She responded promptly. "Hold on."
This made me giggle. Hold on? really? We were on an interstellar light ship and I was supposed to hold on, or maybe she was quoting the (really sorry I'm going to use this purely ironic reference) great Edward Cullen? In actuality she was texting Sam. I got out of class and we went to PE.
I think I've talked about my personal hate of PE, or physical education. There is no education about it. It's just running. But I like PE at Ipoly more then I liked it anywhere else. (Shout out to Mr. Hanke best PE teacher ever.)
We played a rousing game of soccer, where I was allowed to move around. I dropped six people that game, including Brooke. We laughed about it like idiots, I even brought up "Just like old times."
Referring to when we used to tackle each other. And then most awesomely my team won!
So after the game Brooke and I decided to get some grub, to Panda Express. I was worried because 1) I had to walk. And 2) I wasn't sure that they would have vegetarian meals. (HINT: They didn't everything was made with chicken base.)
I love/hate walking. It sucks because my lungs hate me, and I'm a big klutz.
So we walked up to Panda. I was doing pretty well, until we were right next to the stairs leading up to Panda.
My ankle rolled, and then caught on my shoe and snapped. Just like the fortune cookie I would later enjoy. My glasses comically, almost like in Scooby-Doo, flew off my face and I went down. Brooke went after my glasses and I immediately went to my ankle. Surprise surprise, it was the one I had previously broken. Brooke rushed over to me, but it was too late. A passer by had spotted my fallen (and slightly crying) figure. He shouted with a heavy accent,
"Are you okay? Should I call an ambulance?"
Brooke and I said in, what at the time sounded like unison,
"NO! No ambulance."
At this point I was starting to feel the foot swell, and once he was sure that I could handle it, he left with a question,
"Both of you have cell phones?"
Brooke wasted no time, "Yes."
Telepathically we both laughed, both are phones were dead as dinos. After he left Brooke knelt down to replace my glasses on my face.
"Hey there Velma."
She and I both laughed at the ridiculous reference. Then, hopping along on her shoulder, we went inside.
And I proceeded to make bad puns, and occasionally grimace in pain.
My personal favorite pun:
"I came in like a wreaking fall! I never fell so hard before."
or alternatively:
"I had a trip up to Panda... Get it?"

Yeah, that's about it for what Friday was all about. My ankle is doing much better and I fully blame Brooke for making me walk.

Anyways, song of the day is Holiday by Vampire Weekend
Happy Thanksgiving to all those in the states, and for those who celebrate. And for those who don't, eat some pie tomorrow and feel a little bit more freedom. (That was a joke by the way, no one lynch me.)
As always,
Stay classy.

Super F, Sad Faces, and Chicken Little Syndrome.

OK.
Here's the deal, I have a twenty seven percent in math at the current moment. I can get a fifty three if I do a revision for a science paper (more like when, also all classes at Ipoly are connected so a bad grade in one class is a bad grade in all of them.)
Instead of freaking out about it (like I have been for the last maybe two hours) I'm going to focus on getting good grades in all my other classes.
It's a lot like the economy in Greece. To fix the problem, first I must destroy it. So no, I will most likely not be getting outstanding grades in my math class,  but I am going to kick some serious posterior in my other classes.
This is going to be hard. And I'm most likely going to go a little crazy. But in all honesty that's what I'm good at.
I'm good at feeling and emoting and being insane and working. I love the challenge and the rush I get when I'm bad at something, but I finally understand it. I love working hard and getting things done. And I absolutely love projects. I need to stop zoning into the negative and start flushing out the positive.
So here's a list:
1) There is a way out of everything. Even if it's a Captain Jack Sparrow way out.
2) There is always, always, hope for the future. Not even psychic type Pokemon get the hit on the future every time.
3) Nothing lasts forever. Not pain, not school, not bad grades.
4) Did I mention there is always a way out? And most of the time it'll be a back road.
5) It doesn't matter if I call at four in the morning, or three in the afternoon, Danny will be there for me when I need him.
6) I have a full week to figure this plan out. To the last shiny detail of course.

I'm going to be okay. I'm always okay. I've never not been okay. I've been through death, destruction, grounding, bad grades, and terrible parents. This is nothing I haven't faced before. I've been fighting resistance, nearly my entire life. (Panic at the Disco) I'm a big o'l rainbow colored star. And I'm going to be extraordinary.
There was this old book that once told me that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
And I think that's pretty cool.
Song of the day is Can't Fight Against the Youth by Panic at the Disco
As always,
Stay classy.
Also there is going to be a theme change right now. I feel like it's time to pull us out of the dark and into something that represents the changes.
P:S do any of you have any ideas for extra credit for a tenth grade English class?