Of Sickness, Non-Updates, and Everything Else.

Hello fellow Internet people. With faces. or at least some sort of feature allowing you to view the multi-worded masterpiece being crafted before your very eyes.
*cough*
Okay so I haven't updated in forever and there is no excuse. I sorta just forgot for awhile and then when I thought about updating I didn't.
I'm majorly struggling with the idea that people can (and will, and have) act nice and like they are my friend and like I'm important to them. When in reality they hate me. This is a foreign concept to me. Back in grades 1-6th I was made fun of. grades 7-8 I was thought of as this brave outspoken.... I don't know savior. Spreading the message of goodwill to all men. ( I went to a christian school. sue me.) But now I'm introduced into this world of two faced people who I can never trust. Maybe it's just my image issues, but I started questioning what drama thought about me yesterday. "What if they really hate me. They say they miss/need/like me to my face but when I turn around I'm the 'annoying blonde girl who's too loud.'"
and it sucks.
I've also started thinking in the terms that I don't fit. Not that my weight is a problem or that my size is anything, but that I don't belong anywhere. Like I have my School Friends who I eat lunch with and talk with, a couple and a fellow single person and sometimes other people. And I don't fit with them. Sometimes I just don't feel like saying anything because it's dismissed. We all do it to each other.
And I'm not punk enough to be a punk rock rebel. I haven't been in enough shows or classes to be a drama expert. I'm not the smartest or the dumbest. I don't match with my new group. I don't fit. Even in my own family, I feel uncomfortable and like I shouldn't be there.
I don't fit.
I'm also really sick right now. Coughing, aches, runny nose, fever the whole shebang. It sucks because I missed my audition today because I didn't go to school.
Oh well, that just a part of my life right now.
Never feeling completely at ease, always checking over my shoulders.
Song of the day (and quite possibly the year) Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year By Fall Out Boy
As always,
Stay classy.

Well fuck.

Hi.

So I'm not grounded right now. But I might be soon. Whatever right? I've pretty much ignored everything I love to repent my sins, basically I've been trying to be perfect for my mother. Which is stupid. 

I'm going to be eighteen in two close years (seriously talk about counting down days.) and I need to learn the only person I need to please is myself. I had that down but then I got drawn back into this painful thought that I will ever have the fairy tale happy family. Mine is broken and it doesn't understand how to put love into the atmosphere. Mom isn't talking to me. She never does anymore. 

This is just a side effect of living. We are a cancer on the earth and the universe is radiology treatment attempting to rid the host of malicious cells. It hurts to know that things wont ever be okay between my mother and me. We are just a repeat of every poor constructed mother daughter relationship that's happened in my family history.

I miss my Dad. I wish he was here to guide me through the mine field, or at least crack a joke to ease the tension. I wonder if things would have been different had my dad not died. Would Mom be happy? Would I? 

I had a funny realization yesterday. When I was nine I didn't think I would live to twelve. And when I was twelve I was positive I wouldn't make it to eighteen. Here I am, two years away with the end in sight. I thought for sure I would have given into all the pain and suffering a long time ago. Hell I was institutionalized when I was thirteen and though "This is it, I'm done." And I stood and weathered the storm. 

I think that's a good place to end. Weathering the storm. 

Life sucks most of the time. So learn to love the rain.

Song of the day is Grand Theft Autumn/ Where Is Your Boy By Fall Out Boy

As always,

Stay classy.

CrAcking.

I think I've finally snapped.
I'm sad, and angry, and frustrated all at the same time. Nothing seems to be right. I'm restless, I didn't sleep until 7 AM last night. I'm ticked off at everything. Literally everything has been frustrating me as of the last few days, and there is nothing I can do about it. I want to fix everything. Just magically make all the sadness go away for a week or two. I know that can't happen without my friends.

My friends are the only reason I'm sane. I can promise that if they weren't here I wouldn't make this long haul. Maybe I would, who knows.

I miss writing every day. Even if I did just blabber about my day or me. It was good to see that people care, or are listing. I'm just a sixteen year old tragedy that happens every day. At least I have yet to cook meth or be shot. Or both, both would be bad. I don't even want to talk to my friends anymore. No, I don't want to reach out to them. It hurts admitting that I'm not strong enough to handle this one alone. I was when my Dad died. I was when Mom had another kid and got a new family. When she ditched our plan to be with an asshole. (Though she always did.) I was strong enough when she started drinking again.

But I can't do this alone. This soul crushing sadness that breaks me and cracks my perfect exterior. I just want a promise I can believe in. Someone I know is without a doubt on my side. But that's not how this works. I can't make a wish and have it come true. I have to fight hard, and dream.
I'm sorry there is no song of the day. I just don't know a song that, I lied.
Song of the day is Here Comes the Anxiety by The Wombats
Thanks for listing to me complain.
As always,
Stay classy.

Holiday.

Hello fellow Internet pilgrims,
So let me just start by saying, I am still grounded. I would personally like someone to count the days for me. The task seems tiring and depressing. But I've bee able to get around the brink of bad times.
Okay, so extra credit is kinda annoying. Even more so because I'm broke and can't afford supplies to do this stupid tempest of work. In good news, I have an excuses to get out of the house. I need to start working on papers. My science revision is the important one. Then my issue paper. I'm going to be so freaking exhausted by the end of this week of  "relaxation".

I hope you're doing better then I am, I know I complain a lot, but where else am I going to talk about my suck-y life. It hasn't all sucked, just most of the time. But good news is, if I get a 3.0 on my GPA (grade point average) then I get the Nokia Lumia 1020. Literally my dream phone. I'll even get a wireless plan!
And, in theory, it shouldn't be that difficult to fail math and still get a 3.0. I just have to do super well in all my other classes.

Also here's a tiny recap of last Friday with Brooke:

"Hey Brooke, wanna go to lunch today?" Said the text at almost seven in the morning. It was a mild day for California, and the last day before thanksgiving break. I figured it would be fun to spend some time with my best friend before my mom instigated her N.Korea policy. No phones, no Internet (haha), and no public opinion.
I waited through most of the day without a response. Even though we saw each other for most of the day. I was in Hogans class when I frantically texted her (frantic because my phone was dying) "We still on for lunch??"
She responded promptly. "Hold on."
This made me giggle. Hold on? really? We were on an interstellar light ship and I was supposed to hold on, or maybe she was quoting the (really sorry I'm going to use this purely ironic reference) great Edward Cullen? In actuality she was texting Sam. I got out of class and we went to PE.
I think I've talked about my personal hate of PE, or physical education. There is no education about it. It's just running. But I like PE at Ipoly more then I liked it anywhere else. (Shout out to Mr. Hanke best PE teacher ever.)
We played a rousing game of soccer, where I was allowed to move around. I dropped six people that game, including Brooke. We laughed about it like idiots, I even brought up "Just like old times."
Referring to when we used to tackle each other. And then most awesomely my team won!
So after the game Brooke and I decided to get some grub, to Panda Express. I was worried because 1) I had to walk. And 2) I wasn't sure that they would have vegetarian meals. (HINT: They didn't everything was made with chicken base.)
I love/hate walking. It sucks because my lungs hate me, and I'm a big klutz.
So we walked up to Panda. I was doing pretty well, until we were right next to the stairs leading up to Panda.
My ankle rolled, and then caught on my shoe and snapped. Just like the fortune cookie I would later enjoy. My glasses comically, almost like in Scooby-Doo, flew off my face and I went down. Brooke went after my glasses and I immediately went to my ankle. Surprise surprise, it was the one I had previously broken. Brooke rushed over to me, but it was too late. A passer by had spotted my fallen (and slightly crying) figure. He shouted with a heavy accent,
"Are you okay? Should I call an ambulance?"
Brooke and I said in, what at the time sounded like unison,
"NO! No ambulance."
At this point I was starting to feel the foot swell, and once he was sure that I could handle it, he left with a question,
"Both of you have cell phones?"
Brooke wasted no time, "Yes."
Telepathically we both laughed, both are phones were dead as dinos. After he left Brooke knelt down to replace my glasses on my face.
"Hey there Velma."
She and I both laughed at the ridiculous reference. Then, hopping along on her shoulder, we went inside.
And I proceeded to make bad puns, and occasionally grimace in pain.
My personal favorite pun:
"I came in like a wreaking fall! I never fell so hard before."
or alternatively:
"I had a trip up to Panda... Get it?"

Yeah, that's about it for what Friday was all about. My ankle is doing much better and I fully blame Brooke for making me walk.

Anyways, song of the day is Holiday by Vampire Weekend
Happy Thanksgiving to all those in the states, and for those who celebrate. And for those who don't, eat some pie tomorrow and feel a little bit more freedom. (That was a joke by the way, no one lynch me.)
As always,
Stay classy.

Super F, Sad Faces, and Chicken Little Syndrome.

OK.
Here's the deal, I have a twenty seven percent in math at the current moment. I can get a fifty three if I do a revision for a science paper (more like when, also all classes at Ipoly are connected so a bad grade in one class is a bad grade in all of them.)
Instead of freaking out about it (like I have been for the last maybe two hours) I'm going to focus on getting good grades in all my other classes.
It's a lot like the economy in Greece. To fix the problem, first I must destroy it. So no, I will most likely not be getting outstanding grades in my math class,  but I am going to kick some serious posterior in my other classes.
This is going to be hard. And I'm most likely going to go a little crazy. But in all honesty that's what I'm good at.
I'm good at feeling and emoting and being insane and working. I love the challenge and the rush I get when I'm bad at something, but I finally understand it. I love working hard and getting things done. And I absolutely love projects. I need to stop zoning into the negative and start flushing out the positive.
So here's a list:
1) There is a way out of everything. Even if it's a Captain Jack Sparrow way out.
2) There is always, always, hope for the future. Not even psychic type Pokemon get the hit on the future every time.
3) Nothing lasts forever. Not pain, not school, not bad grades.
4) Did I mention there is always a way out? And most of the time it'll be a back road.
5) It doesn't matter if I call at four in the morning, or three in the afternoon, Danny will be there for me when I need him.
6) I have a full week to figure this plan out. To the last shiny detail of course.

I'm going to be okay. I'm always okay. I've never not been okay. I've been through death, destruction, grounding, bad grades, and terrible parents. This is nothing I haven't faced before. I've been fighting resistance, nearly my entire life. (Panic at the Disco) I'm a big o'l rainbow colored star. And I'm going to be extraordinary.
There was this old book that once told me that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
And I think that's pretty cool.
Song of the day is Can't Fight Against the Youth by Panic at the Disco
As always,
Stay classy.
Also there is going to be a theme change right now. I feel like it's time to pull us out of the dark and into something that represents the changes.
P:S do any of you have any ideas for extra credit for a tenth grade English class?

And I was doing so well.

Well, I have contracted the sads.
As well as the headaches and mild " let me just lay here and wallow in my own self pitty forever please because that would be so much easier then being human."
You know what I hate?
Being human. Really, it's not fun or useful. Being sixteen, you can't do anything but cry and wait to lose more friends. Or you could do drugs or drink and take the bite away. But it just sucks. Because there is literally nothing you can do. You're changing and they're changing and nothing is ever remaining. No one ever vocalizes how they feel or what they want. And if they do they are clingy and needy or bitchy.
It's sad.
I'm sad.
School sucked today. It was a very steady decline of meh to worse.

Here's to a better tomorrow.
Song of the day is Ghosts by Mayday Parade
As always,
Stay classy.

Don't You Dare Tell Me Not to Cry.

Dear "STEP-'father'" (I.E not my real dad, AKA no relation to me, Also known as, I so don't need this right now)
Are you serious? 
Really, you aren't getting all over me?
Not pushing? 
That is the most untrue statement I've heard all year. You are not my father you are not in charge of me. Stop, you are going to stop, now. I'm done taking your verbal abuse, and letting you try and control me via my mother. You are a pig, and you do not get to decide how I feel. You do not get to chose my reaction to you continuously telling me I'm not good enough. I cannot wait until I'm eighteen, because you are my new motivation to get out of this toxic house.
-Yours with malice, Hunter.

Hey fellow bloggers.
I'm sixteen, and I am done with the ritualistic verbal torture thrust upon me by my family. Or should I say the people I live with. I really have no real family. My "mother" has been absent in my life more more years then I care to count. My "step father" a misogynistic pig who tries to turn girls into decoration. My "grandmother" the woman I've called Satan since I was six. All the false siblings, and fake mothers, and broken pieces.

I will build a house, no, I will build a home. A warm space that exudes good vibes and radiates light like a prism. I know that for now I'm living in a horror show, but that's only temporary. One day I will be free to live and dream. I wont have to fight anymore.

I know this isn't school related, but it's me related. I love you guys, and writing to you has become a real time. I finally feel better outside of the house. I'm okay at school, I'm not worried about friends and my relationships with them. School, and the stress from school isn't the problem anymore. It's my home life.
WHICH SUCKS BALLS BTW!
anyhow, song of the day is Deja Vu  by Sleeping with Sirens
As always,
Stay classy.
P:S. I'm staying at Ipoly. There is no way that I could leave. Also, I became a vegetarian. Many a thing happens while i'm away.
Have a picture of a puppy to make up for it

Forgive Hunter... FORGIVE
HER!!!